Being alone was hard for me. Really hard. Raising three grieving children on my own, between a criminal proceeding for my husband’s death, fighting insurance to pay the bills they were responsible for, and dealing with my grief all at the same time was a challenge. To say the least. My counseling, volunteering, and exercising helped release some of the anxiety, but none of it made me less mentally exhausted. None of that provided the type of loving hand I really needed.

I was tired of doing it all myself. I felt nearly defeated. I felt like I wasn’t sure how long I could do it all by myself. And, of course, when I say by myself I mean with the help of everyone I knew because no one can do that all completely by themselves. Even all of that help doesn’t replace the deep intimate friendship that one shares with a partner or spouse.

I had developed two close friendships after Randy’s death. I spent most of my time with these ladies. When we were together, we also were together with our ten collective children. That’s a lot of kids. I loved the time playing games and letting the kids be kids. It was chaotic and loud, but nice to see everyone laughing and indulging in a little laughter myself. The new friends would ask me if I ever thought I would find another soul mate. We talked about it often. It’s hard for your friends to see you without something they think is so normal, and maybe even view it as necessary. Eventually, I did feel ready. I also felt a little guilty.

It had only been about 7 months since Randy died. I wasn’t ready to get married, but I was ready to enter the world and start making new connections. I really struggled with the guilt. How could I claim to love someone so much, but then dump all over his memory by craving another relationship? Maybe this is a justification to make me feel better, but my conclusion was it was because we were so close that made me want to get out and meet more people. Randy and I had a very intense relationship. He was my first. We learned a lot together, we grew up together. We started dating when I was 15 and he was 16 years old. He was killed just after his 26th birthday and I had just turned 25. Ten years is a long time. Especially during a time when you are learning who you are and what the world is really about. We did all of that together.

Now, it wasn’t always pretty, but even the worst storms can have beauty. Our relationship was beautiful. We slept intertwined every single night, when he was home and not working. It never got old. Even when we weren’t getting along, I didn’t know how to be without him. So, when I had no choice, but to be alone, I felt lost. Maybe that is rationalization and maybe it’s the wrong reason to start dating–whatever it is, it is the truth.

I told my friends I thought I wanted to meet someone. I was terrified! I had all the same questions my friends did. I never understood why someone as handsome and well like as Randy wanted to be with a slob like me, could I really get that lucky twice? On top of being just an average girl, now I was an average girl with a scarred heart and three children. What dummy would get involved with that? There was only one way to find out. Jump in.

My girl friend, V, wasn’t wasting any time finding out. She immediately went on the hunt. She left notes for a friend of a neighbor, who was a firefighter, and she left  a package for me at one of my neighbors so I had to go to his house when he was home to retrieve it. Ah, matchmaking at it’s finest. I was completely embarrassed and thrilled at the same time. Neither of her plans seemed to be working, so I joined

I had no intention of finding Mr. Right. I just wanted to escape reality a bit and maybe feel a spark again. I met a couple of people from Neither worked out. It felt a little creepy and it definitely felt wrong. They agreed.

One day, V decided I should meet the neighbors with the firefighter friend. The fact he didn’t respond to her note wasn’t enough, she had to completely throw me out there for humiliation. The neighbor, M, and V came up with a plan for me and the firighter to meet.  M held a little party, which I found out later was common for her house. Mr. firefighter and me met, along with my kids. I figured if that didn’t scare him, not much would. After a little while, the kids went home with V and left me there to fend for myself with a bunch of people who seemed friendly enough, but were still strangers.

I wasn’t sure what to think about firefighter. He seemed to drink a lot and every other word out of his mouth was the f-bomb. He seemed rougher around the edges than I really wanted, or needed. He seemed very uninterested too. For the next week, they invited me over all the time, and I went often. Sometimes with the kids, but usually they stayed with V.  I came to see that firefighter wasn’t all bad, he was growing on me. I can’t say he felt the same way. He kept his distance. Even though he had my number and we had been around each other, he seemed rather preoccupied. Finally, I overheard him and another party goer talking about this girl he was ‘trying to get with’. The girl wasn’t me. Ah. It all made sense. He was acting uninterested because he was.

The next weekend was my birthday. Which, is also always the weekend of our hometown carnival. Friday night, I went for a few hours just to see people. I felt so out of my element. I left early because it felt a little strange. These were people I was always with when Randy and I were together, and now here I was, single. I decided it was my birthday weekend and I was going to figure out how to have fun again. I was all in the mood to go for it–anything. I decided I was going to get myself ready, hit M’s house for a minute or two, and then head to town and see who I could see. I was going to go to the carnival and then the bar. I just wanted to see people.

My mom had watched the kids Friday night, after birthday celebrations with family. V had offered to watch them on Saturday for me. They could just stay the night. What a deal! I wanted to go to the local store for a drink before heading to M’s to hang out. On my way out of the street, I saw firefighter who stopped.

” Where are you going?”

“To the store for a Pepsi. Why?”

“I was just curious. I thought you would be at M’s.”

“Well, that is where I am going after I get a drink, but only for a minute and then I’m going out.”


“To town. Gonna see who I can see.”

“What the F***? You aren’t going to invite me?”

“Uh, you have had my number for months now, haven’t used it. Why on earth would I ever think to invite you?”

“Well, you could have called me.”

“No. I couldn’t have. And even if I did have your number, why would I call if you so clearly aren’t interested?”

“Well, the road goes both ways.”

“Hm. No. If you wanted to call you would have. Are you saying you want to go or what?”

“Well, maybe, where ya going?”

“Homecoming, bars, and who knows?”

“Well, I don’t want to go to a bar, but I’d go to the movies.”

“The movies? I don’t know. I really wanted to go out. We’ll see. I’ll see ya back at M’s”

I got my Pepsi and went back to M’s. For some reason, they all decided to play wiffleball. So, all the time I wasted looking nice was ruined by sweat. I guess the movies were looking better.  The game was over. I hear firefighter say, “You coming to my house while I shower or am I coming back here?” Of course the room was filled with ‘ooooooo’s.

“I’ll go with”

He paid for the movie, as a birthday present. We saw Spiderman. After the movies, we went back to M’s. Everyone was playing Euchre in the garage. About 2am, people started talking about being tired. Tired? It was my birthday. I was having fun and all the sudden starving. I tried to talk firefighter into going back to town and getting a burger and a piece of cheesecake. He was smiling, but telling me no. It didn’t sound or look like a firm ‘no’. I figured I could win this one…and I did. He said, he’d do it on one condition, we go back to his house and I would massage his back. Eh, whatever. I was in.

We had a lot of fun. When we got back to his house, I was thinking I was crazy. Unlike other dates, I hadn’t felt creeped out. Maybe because I knew we were just friends. He was into someone else. When we got to his house, we went to the bed, where I massaged and scratched his back for an hour. It was 5am. I knew if I didn’t go home and get in bed soon, I’d wake up there in the morning. Or, he would try something that I wasn’t sure if I was ready for. I left, happy.

Monday, me and firefighters friend, MM, who did like me, took the kids to 6 flags. We were just hanging out as friends. He loved 6 flags and I figured the kids would too. While we were there, my phone rings, it was firefighter. I figured he was calling to talk to MM, but being me, I played it up.  I answered the call with, “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist me.” All I heard was laughter. I waited to see how he would answer.

“Actually, I wanted to talk to MM.”

Now, I laughed, “Oh, okay then. I see how it is. Too bad I bought you something today, because I am nice, unlike you.” It was flirting at it’s best.

“Really, okay. Should I come over after work?”

“If you want to, it isn’t a big deal. I was just messing with you.”

“I’ll be there about 11pm if that’s okay.”

“Yup. See ya then. Here’s MM.”

We were friends for months after that day. I quickly learned that f-bomb, bar hopping man was really just a lonely guy trying to be with people. He was a soft-hearted, caring, and loving man. I told him it was okay if he wasn’t interested, but we had to figure it out. We talked about the other girl and where he stood. I even helped him work on their relationship. I didn’t ever want him to wonder ‘what if’. One day I bought him a bear and told him I was falling.

My friends thought I was crazy. The truth was, I had no hold on him, no reason to be angry. And, to be real honest, I didn’t need anyone. Certainly didn’t need someone for the sake of saying I had someone. I wanted someone who really wanted to be with me and no one else. Eventually, that girl ruined it all and we both were okay with that. I did encouraged him to be friends with her because I felt like she really needed one.

That firefighter is now my best friend and husband, Tim. We rarely go out and when we do, it’s to a movie or the occasional get together. He doesn’t drop f-bombs every other word anymore and he is a great dad, to all of the kids.

I guess my friend, V, was right. He was a good catch. We have been married 8.5 years now. He has supported me through the anniversary of Randy’s death and birthday, school, two pregnancies, and now through taking care of our own family and my grandparents. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. And, now, over a decade later, I can answer my friends’ question: Yes, love can strike twice. You can find a second soul mate.

Never Before-1999

Randy and I went through a very rough period. I felt like I had grown up. Like I had given up all of me to be a wife and mother while he slept, worked, and played like we were still 18 and kid free. I tried talked to him about it. I tried talking, I tried screaming, I tried throwing things, and I even tried ignoring it. Nothing, and I mean nothing worked.

One day I just told him, we had to be done. We had to separate or he had to change. I knew full well I could end up a single mom and miserable. Since I already felt like one, I figured it wouldn’t make too much of a difference. He was very unhappy about my decision. His way of dealing with what I told him was to ignore it, just as he had done all the conversations before.

To drive the point home and maker sure I was prepared if this lead to a life apart, I got a full-time job and put Kayla and Brendan in day care. Kayla still carries that scare today. She hated every second of it.

Getting that job really drove the point home. He was remorseful. He wanted to turn things back to the way they were. He hadn’t noticed how unhappy I was during that time. Even though I was practically shouting it from the roof tops! I guess it was easier being blind to how unhappy I really was.

I wasn’t giving in this time. I knew he hadn’t wanted to change before. I didn’t believe he really wanted to change now. I think he just wanted to be comfortable again. That wasn’t enough for me. I guess maybe part of me wanted him to stay uncomfortable, too. I know I had been for so long; it was his turn.

I kept trying to get him to actually move out. I wanted him to see what life would be without me. I guess, if I am being honest, I wanted to know what life would be like without him. I guess I probably did want some freedom. I had gone straight from my parents house to his house with a baby. That is a lot to wonder about. A lot to soak in. And, at some point, your mind wonders: what did I miss?

One night he came home early for work, which scared me. That is never a good sign. He was in tears, literally. He told me he was a mess at work. He was a machinist at a metalizing company. They would spray metal onto parts and he would machine the parts back down to specs. He worked on aircraft parts mostly, but did some parts for NASA as well. He had messed up a couple $50,000 parts because his mind couldn’t stay focused. He was afraid he was going to lose his job. He also was afraid of losing his life. He felt unstable, like he could snap and take his own life.

Those words scared me. That is never what I wanted. We started talking. We talked and talked. We talked and cried together for over six hours. It turns out, how we were raised conflicted with each other and created some huge misunderstandings. We told each other things that were unpleasant to hear. For the first time, we were acting like adults and we were very honest.

That was the turning point. That is when I knew we were salvageable. We could be us only better. We could be the us that I had dreamed about.

We put a halt to all plans of separation. For the first time in a long time, I let him hold me until the kids woke up the next morning. We only got a few hours sleep that night, but it was the most restful sleep I had had in years.

I was tired the next day, but somehow, I had plenty of energy as I walked on cloud 9 all day. I knew the worst was behind us. Even though I knew we still had plenty of work to do, we were going to be fine.

While he slept before work (he worked nights), I wrote this….

Never Before

Never before have I ever felt

So safe and loved

Never before has anyone let

Me come before them

Never before have I wanted

Something so badly

Never before has being alone

Felt so scary

Never before had I felt I had found home

Until I found you.

February 23, 1999

Times are rocky still, but after long talks that last the night through,

I feel much better.  Better with each passing day.

Oh, it’s so cheesy, but what a glimpse into what I was feeling then. I find it amazing to view my old writing.